last night i had a dream

i am slamming my fists down

over and over

and over again

i am spinning, maybe drunk?

head is light

brain is dizzy

stomach nauseous

weeping—like i have just been rejected

all the familiar sensations

i am screaming: STOP IT, GO AWAY

but i am alone

laying on the floor

rolling, crawling, yelling

an undeniable tantrum

i have lost all control

i make my way to a bathroom (safety)

find a hairdryer

turn it on high

hold it close to my damp face,

burning my skin

then to my sopping hair

has it been raining out?

i cannot get warm

my body shivering uncontrollably

duh-duh-duh-duh

every muscle is clenched

i reach for the bathtub,

filling it with water

but by the time i step in,

it is already cold

my legs are tangled in clumps of hair

is this mine?

i bite my tongue

settling in deeper

until i am fully submerged

i hold my breath

hoping maybe i will just wake up

but i do not

i reemerge, gasping for air

and notice a child on the rug

where i had been curled up

just moments ago

she is so small

she is bloody

crying, crying, crying

i bend over to her pick up

this sweet, fragile soul

i put my lips to her blotchy skin,

her body to to my chest

and i sing:

silent night

holy night

all is calm

all is bright

she softens, falls asleep

who’s baby is this?

i love her

my mother appears in the hallway

kind of ghost-like?

she is smiling

one hand over another on her chest

feeling proud, nostalgic

a wave of sunlight rushes over me

so radiant and warm on my face

in my belly, in my heart

it is soothing

it is loving

it is peace

i smile back at her

i understand now